Big Red Rocks and Lil' Ol' Me

I'm in my room munching on dinner: a pre-made vortex veggie sandwich, cold sweet potato fries, and a six-pack of Lagunitas IPA. I thought I might be adventurous and try a new brand of beer, or gasp, a new type of beer, but I smiled when I saw it on the shelf here in Sedona; a little piece of home to comfort me.

Today was the first day of my test. It's kind of hard to explain what exactly I mean by that. I am embarking on a personal journey and challenge for myself. You see, although one might perceive me as a very social person, which I am, I find that in my experiences, my most honest moments with myself come from instances when I am completely alone. I think more clearly and deeply, I am able to explore what it is I really desire in life and reconnect with my values, I become more self-motivated and focused, and I feel I am the very best version of myself during these times. Very rarely am I able to meditate like this. In life, we always have something going on, we don't have time to refocus, we always have to be a certain way for somebody. It is my desire these next four months to strive to have those types of wonderful moments with myself as often as possible.

Unfortunately, there in lies a test within this test. When seeking out more quiet, personal, thoughtful moments, one will find themselves more often alone; that's just part of the deal. Can you think of the last time you went out to a meal by yourself? Or, grabbed a beer by yourself? Or, pretty much did anything in a public place for a prolonged period of time, by yourself? The following thoughts might cross your mind: everyone is wondering why I'm alone, everyone is looking at me, I need to look like I'm doing something important so people don't wonder why I'm alone. Being alone is terrifying and uncomfortable, which is completely disabling to my entire intent. Therefore, another ambition of mine is to aspire to be completely at ease and comfortable by myself, around others. This is a personal journal of self-exploration of the spirit, soul, and mind.

Back to this moment, in my room, in my bed, eating a vortex veggie sandwich, cold sweet potato fries, and relishing a cold, delicious, homey Lagunitas IPA. Like I said, this is day one of the test. As I reflect upon the day, I feel that it was a good start to my journey. I felt uncomfortable and exposed on several occasions, but I bore through the discomfort. I ate lunch in Sedona at a yummy veg restaurant called D'lish, by myself. When night falls though, that's the real test. Have you ever had to talk yourself into going out to dinner alone? Oh man. I took a shower and shaved my legs (while wondering who I was shaving my legs for), did my make-up (while wondering who I was doing my make-up for), got dressed in a nice little outfit (I'm sure you could guess what I was wondering), and headed off to a brewery and restaurant recommended to me. Well, the first thing to go wrong is I couldn't find the place, and you know when you're already nervous, you can talk yourself out of anything; but I said 'nope, I didn't shave, do my make-up, and put on a cute little outfit for nothing.' Then I stopped several times to ask for directions, each time going in a completely different direction from before; but I persevered.

Finally, after what seemed like forever (but probably wasn't, because when you're scared every moment seems like forever), I found the place. I sift through a pile of National Geographics from my car, wanting to find one that wouldn't be perceived as too intellectual or serious, just in case I can't handle sitting at a table by myself surrounded by people, with nothing to look at but other people, which might be perceived as creepy, desperate, pathetic, or all of the above. The restaurant was located on the second floor, which because I'm nervous and alone, can't find the stairs and am convinced there aren't any and am becoming completely flustered inside, but keeping my composure (I think). Finally, I ask a guy how to get up there, and he leads me up a completely obvious staircase. Now the moment was upon me; I was to enter the restaurant and request a table for one, order a meal for one, order a beer for one (or a few beers at this point, actually, do you serve hard alcohol?). Low and behold, could you believe it, the place had just closed only moments before I arrived! You have got to be kidding me! I exhaled in an exaggerated fashion, disappointed but relieved. I took a moment to collect my thoughts, and decided I had to try again. I had seen another restaurant/bar earlier that looked somewhat promising, I headed that-a-way. When I pulled up to the new place, I looked inside and realized it was more bar/restaurant than restaurant/bar, and even I wasn't ready to look that pathetic. Nobody goes to a bar/restaurant for the food. With that I decided to call it a night.

Now here I sit in my bed, finishing up the pre-made veggie vortex sandwich and sweet potato fries I got from the local health food grocer, and a six-pack of Lagunitas IPA (don't worry, I won't drink it all tonight). Day two tomorrow, I'm going on a tour.